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Picture this: It's Friday night. You've finally made it home after a long work week, changed into your comfy pajamas, and settled onto the couch with your favorite show. Just as you're starting to unwind, that familiar urge creeps in—”maybe I should check my work email, just in case”. Before you know it, guilt washes over you for daring to relax, and your peaceful evening crumbles away.
Sound familiar? As a perfectionist myself, I know this scenario all too well. That nagging inner voice demanding excellence is something many of us struggle with, yet few of us know how to handle effectively. Some try to silence it, others exhaust themselves trying to meet its impossible standards. In this article, I will share different ways to understand this voice that tells us to be perfect.
The Evolutionary Lens: Perfectionism as a Survival Strategy
One enlightening way to view our perfectionist tendencies is through the lens of survival. Our ancestors lived in a world where every decision meant the difference between life and death. They basically needed to be “perfect” to survive in such an unforgiving world.
While today's world rarely demands such high-stakes survival instincts, our minds and bodies still carry this ancient programming. Understanding this evolutionary context gives us a new framework for examining our perfectionist tendencies.
Understanding Your Inner Perfectionist Voice : Key Questions to Consider
1. What Is Your Voice Really Saying?
Our instinct when faced with perfectionist thoughts is to either suppress them or frantically act on them. Neither approach truly allows you to work with the voice in a helpful manner. Instead, I invite you to try sitting with this voice and really listening.
When that voice tells you you're not doing enough, dig deeper. Perhaps on the surface level, the voice criticizing you for “being lazy" or "procrastinating". On a deeper level, perhaps the voice is directing you to ensure survival, making sure you have food on the table by not getting fired from the job. Maybe the voice is just scared. The idea of sitting with the voice may feel unpleasant or intimidating, but remember that while it may be uncomfortable, the voice can’t actually harm you. If you allow yourself to listen with curiosity, you can address the underlying worry and finally relax without guilt.
2. Where In Your Body Do You Feel The Voice?
Another way to understand the voice better is to inspect your body to see if anything stands out. When perfectionist thoughts arise:
- Scan your body for areas of tension
- Notice any distinct physical sensations
- Rate the intensity of these feelings on a scale of 0-10
This exercise helps you better identify your perfectionistic voice by making it more tangible. You may notice that those physical sensations resemble a fight or flight response when you’re in danger.
3. Where Does The Voice Come From?
Take a moment to analyze the voice itself. Does it remind you of someone specific? Perhaps it's an amalgamation of various influences throughout your life?
In my case, my perfectionist voice echoes my parents' well-intentioned push for academic excellence. Recognizing this helped me understand that taking breaks isn't inherently wrong—I had simply internalized external messages that said to me that taking breaks can risk my survival.
4. How Does It Serve You?
It's crucial to recognize that your perfectionist voice isn't your enemy. In fact, it's likely played a significant role in achieving highs such as getting good grades and earning promotions. And, it’s also possible that the voice hasn’t always been helpful, causing distress, preventing you from enjoying leisure time, and tying your sense of self to your achievements.
What are some ways that you can both have grace and honor the voice and its intentions of protecting you, while allowing yourself to move toward the direction of life that is less consumed by the voice?
Moving Forward
Your perfectionist voice deserves neither vilification nor complete control. It's a part of you that developed with the intention of keeping you safe and successful. The challenge lies in developing a helpful relationship with it—one where you can appreciate its protective nature while creating space for rest, joy, and self-compassion.
I encourage you to be curious about the voice and allow for a deeper connection with the voice so that you can move toward the direction of healthy co-existence with it.
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